[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Dead Blue Sky	]

nobody reads this anymore

i don't blame you. but if anyone... if anyone reads this, wake me up. i don't want to be like this- i don't want to curl up with a bottle on a friday night. if anyone cares... help me. please? no, not please. never please. if nobody wakes me up, i'll control my own nightmare.

[	mood	|	blank	]
[	music	|	JAMMING	]

i need to record a CD for my talentmatch account ( www.talentmatch.com ). i already have myself down as recording a single or an LP called "A Death Curse Upon The Sons Of The Bastard Adam" but i think i'll record a Grind-Deathmetal-Core full album called "Born From The Bowels Of Cruelty Herself" which will require a lot less writing of music and lyrics and be a lot more fun too. but eventually i'd like to put a lot of work in and make "A Death Curse Upon The Sons Of The Bastard Adam" which would definetely be A Black Metal/Gothic Metal Vibe. Jeff has proposed to me that i be the drummer for his hippie band and steal charlie's snare drum and cymbal. sounds fun. then i could enlist his and zach's help in recording my two albums. but i'll probably just end up recording all the tracks myself or not doing it at all.

I've been reflecting on my life lately and it seems that everyone has something happening or that has happened in their life that would really unnerve and bother anyone it happened to. I took a look at my life and i realized, while my family isn't the richest or the most functional, i am extremely lucky to have them. then i took a deeper look and saw my piece of grief- i'm not sure i'm completely sane. this is probably a very weird journal entry to read and i don't blame anyone who's scared of me after reading it. I'd love to go into depth about the jagged shards of my shattered psyche... but frankly, i just don't think i'm ready to trust anyone who reads my livejournal. and once it's out, it's out and it can't come back.

....i should stop pretending that i can be understood....

[	mood	|	satisfied	]
[	music	|	Iced Earth	]

WHO will be my hot hook-up for homecoming...?

I'M DANCING MAD.

[	mood	|	crushed	]
[	music	|	None, i'm playing.	]

i'm at a standstill on my english project. it's not that i don't have the skill to write the music that will relfect my emotional pascifism and teenage angst - its just that i'm overly critical of myself and insecure about what i create. and having people compliment me doesn't help either, because i know i've told people i thought that their songs or art was good when i really thought it was just mediocre and in need of repair. Besides, my musical tastes are... less than average. somethings i feel to be musical genius can be called "noise" or "just too damn loud" by others. so i'm afraid just bringing my amp into grazier's class and blasting out some melancholy thrash won't be appreciated. i don't care about the grade, i want people to like it.

[	mood	|	angry	]
[	music	|	Rasputina	]

rage. hate. anger, death. grit teeth, furrow brow. clench fists. skin under fingernails. house filled with blood. carpet stained. twitch. twist. twirl. bleed, bitch, bleed. ........

.....................

[	mood	|	irritated	]
[	music	|	Corpsefucking Art	]

johnny, brian charlie were at my house from 5-10 and jeff is sleeping over

labor day tomorrow

bitches

[	mood	|	cold	]
[	music	|	Cacophony	]

i'm having the strangest feeling right now. i can't decide whether i want to fall asleep or throw up. no, i'm not on drugs. i need to do my homework. mr grazier talked about the characteristics of people who will be highly successful and i realized i don't have very many of them. oh well, if i'm not the world's greatest musician by age 30 i'll jump off a tall building while on fire. its funny how you wake up in the morning and think you won't make it through the day, then when you get home you're glad its over even though you'll wake up tomorrow and think the same things. the stamp i've been bringing around is not permanent. no matter what mrs.davis says. it comes off if you scrub it with a wash cloth. it might not come out of the wash cloth though, so try wet paper towel or... a red washcloth. i have a lot of things to do tonight. i have to do my homework, practice guitar, find out if i can go to the concert, decide if its worth ten bucks or not, find ten bucks, find a ride, and find out where the varsity football game is, find out when it is, see if i can go to that and the concert, and probably more stuff i don't remember.

[	mood	|	cold	]
[	music	|	Nightwish	]

not a hell of a lot to say... people should call johnny as always, he's lonely. thinking about writing a song for my english vision project but not feeling particularly creative.... also grazier would probably expect lyrics and i can't sing and play at the same time. \

still haven't asked about going to football game or bad credit/mad caddies on friday. i want to go to both to see katie and danny but i might only be able to go to one. i'm all out of words. listen to nightwish.

[	mood	|	pessimistic	]
[	music	|	Yasushii Ishii - Hellsing OST	]

summer smothers me as i wait for the shivering embrace of sweet winter winds.